Dear blue jeans and gray sweatshirt,

I love you guys. For the last two weeks you've made life much simpler for me. Whenever I have to go somewhere, I just wear what I've got on, you. Thanks for being there in the bad times and the...well bad times really. Anyway, thanks for being there.

When I wake up in the morning, there you are lying quietly on the bed next to me, just waiting to envelop my arms and legs again in warmth and practicality. I know you deserve to be washed more than once a month, but come on, you're made of cotton and denim, what do you care? The more coffee stains, the better.

If I had known about you earlier in life, I would have stocked my closet with 6 other pairs exactly like you. That would have been nice wouldn't it? The perfect work schedule: Twenty-four on, one hundred forty-four off. But you haven't complained at all, because you're an inanimate object. You're just an unselfish, heartless, brainless, son-of-a...of-a...well it seems you've eluded the engendering process altogether. You're above that sort of thing.

One of these days you're going to be famous blue jeans and sweatshirt because what people don't realize is that everybody has at least one pair of blue jeans and a gray sweatshirt somewhere. And eventually they will acknowledge that these are the only things they've ever really wanted to wear.

Deep down, they feel it every time they open their closets, the urge to put you guys on. But you've been shoved down to the end of the closet, hidden behind the sixties theme party get-up. Again, not that you care or anything. It's just Why?...Why don't we all come to grips with the simple truth? Look at the old foagies walking around the neighborhood. What are they wearing? Exactly.

It's inevitable, and the sooner we all realize what we were made to wear, the sooner we will be able exist harmoniously in our most natural clothed state. I salute you jeans and sweatshirt (I realize that you do not feel honored or anything).

Vainly,

Ryan Vaughn