Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention.
BY JASON KELLETT
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"The Ten Commandments—Loopholes And Safe Harbors: The Technicalities You've Never Thought Of"

"Adultery: God Says 'Thou Shalt Not,' and That's Especially True for Pastors' Wives. Did You Hear That, Vile Woman?"

"Gross Is Good: The Lord Shall Smite the Net Tithers"

"The Death Penalty—Yea or Nay? Your Guess Is As Good As Mine"

"Our God Is a Bearded God"

"Holy Crap! It's the Holy Ghost and This Place Is Haunted!"

"Hey, What Is the Deal With Transubstantiation? I Mean, Am I Right, People? That Guy Knows What I'm Sayin'"

"How Much Good Would the Good Book Book If the Good Book Could Book Good?"

"The Book of Revelation: From Whence Came the Beginning of That Bitchin' Johnny Cash Tune That Played Over the Opening Credits of the New Dawn of the Dead Movie"

Six years ago, I went to Cavenders boot city and bought a pair of Wolverine boots. The ones with the durashock soles and the tassel. Last night, I was getting dressed for a dinner rehearsal here in Austin, and noticed that the invitation said that everyone should feel free to wear western attire, which means there will be root-bruskys and shiner for everyone. Anyway I seized upon the opportunity to wear the boots that I have not worn for a very long time. I put them on a felt proud that I had known how important it was to have such a pair of boots, at such a young age too.

So we arrive happily at the rehearsal and I get out of the car with a couple of friends, but as I am walking across the parking lot I notice that my feet are lop-sided, like I had stepped in some mud or something. So I started stomping my heels to get the mud off. Then one of my friends says, "Hey it looks like you stepped in some tar!" I turned in a circle to see where I had stepped and saw what looked like fresh asphalt piled in little clumps along the way. Finally, I looked at the bottom of my boots and realized what was going on. My boots were crapping asphalt all over the place and needed to be replaced. No I'm kidding. Actually the bottom of my shoes were just crumbling off like an old cookie or something, leaving this black soot everywhere. These are durashock soles mind you. About an inch thick. It was kinda creepy. I thought my feet were going to start crumbling off too, so I yanked those suckers off as fast as I could, tied the shoestrings together, and threw them over some telephone wires at the resort overlooking Lake Travis.

It was just one of those things that happens to me every once in a while.

I don't know dude. Still looking for an explanation.